I’m sitting here, contemplating suicide. Not to do right now, when the right would be right.. And of course I’m thinking about EVERY FUCKING THING.
My separated husband is pissed with me because I can’t hold a job to help with bills.. He’s not even a bad person. He’s still the person I have loved more than anything, more than myself. I have so much shame, I can’t even admit to them. I can’t speak of it. It’s chewing away inside me, while I’m hurting him even more. No matter my explanation, it seems he doesn’t fully grasp the severity of my depression. I’m drowning him, and my parents. How can I live with that?
My entire life is big investments. I have to invest even to exist where you need money, but I also have to invest in being able to live in my head. Mental illness is like a check engine light, constantly keeping you informed that it’s there. Or an anti-virus, continuously draining you of energy. If I did get a job to keep it, I would absolutely need therapy. Severe therapy. I don’t have money for that.. I get so scared of how dark I get that I’ll be sent to a psyche ward but I don’t deserve that.. So I remain silent. I push the people I love away, and end up hurting them. I have to invest energy into being proper around people. To try and avoid their negative glances because of how I look. I’m beautiful how I look, I shouldn’t have to remind myself of that every time I get put down. After a while you just start to doubt it. All through school there was a dress code, and your parents dress code. Being told not to doodle on your homework, that if I “spent the energy I did on art, onto school, I’d be doing great.” Then school ends and I’m suppose to be able to just go jump into an art career? I’m suppose to be confident in myself? All my life being told that sexually and nudity is negative. Of course I have no confidence in pursuing my career! Cause all it’s been is torn down all my life! Am I suppose to do the art that the general society would like? Why is it so fuckin hard to be myself, and comfortably enough to support myself? I have to invest my time in a minimum wage job, while they hardly put near as much investment as I do. There are days I don’t even eat, because I can’t even get myself to do it. I have people telling me, well at least you’re still alive. Well, merely staying alive doesn’t pay my bills. I don’t get paid to exist.
People say.. Just get over it, just do it. So how do we know when enough IS enough? How will we know my breaking point until I hit that point? I’m explaining the pain I feel, I’m nearing closer to a bad decision but we’re still gonna push? If I killed myself tomorrow it would only be then that you’d get it.. I never understood how unable to function you can become from being so depressed, until I got to that point, and by then it’s almost too late.. I had a job last year for one month. By the end I was so afraid for my life. I wanted to die so bad. So I put my two weeks in.. A few days later I told the, just to take me off the schedule cause I couldn’t even atop crying, get out of my car, and walk inside the building.
I went to school for tattoo, got an internship, and didn’t do it.. My anxiety has reached such a level, that I’m fearful of doing one of my dreams.. I’ve failed so much, I hurt so fuckin bad, that if I lost this, I couldn’t bear it.. I’m not ready, I don’t have the mindset.. The mind power..
I’ve had a tension headache for three days now, and all at crying turned it into a huge migraine. I’ve been so fuckin worried about money, and bills, and knowing how much my separated husband hates all of this. Knowing we’ll have to talk soon but I just want to be silent. I know no matter how much I explain, he won’t get it.. And I don’t want to fight. So I guess I’m not going to get everything on here that I wanted..
I kinda have one Last hope.. I’m signing up for disability.. Which could take months.. I know I’ll have to tell whoever, everything.. I’ll have to admit to all my shame.. But hopefully being completely honest will give me some chance.. I have a lot of healing to do. It’s getting very difficult with my financial/marriage/emotional issues.. I’m not suppose to hate myself, yet that’s all I want to do..